unexpected....

Its strange how the smallest gestures mean so much. For over a year I have been flying solo... And if I am to be honest, hated it. I went out of the box, against my norm, dipped into an unfamiliar ocean... Where the hell am I going with any of this? Dunno . All I do know is .... Well, people are who they are. Love it or hate it, its just what is.

IDK.........

It seems when I am the least happy, I am the most productive. My paper is done!
Yesterday was definitely flagged as my worst day ever. Many truths surfaced that cut me deeper than any blade ever could. The wounds to my heart came from the most unexpected people.
I have made the choice to do what I do best....... forgive & let go.
I don't know how to hold a grudge..... I don't know how to be bitter....... I don't know how to allow yesterday to interfere with today. I just don't know how to stop smiling.
Perhaps one day that will change, but for now...... I only know how to be who I have been.

I think tomorrow I will post an exerpt from my book..... just for fun.

dEcEmBeR wIsH lIsT

At the end, I only wish to be smiling

tramps & giggles....

havin a total neicy moment.......

I wanna buy a trampoline & go stalk people.....

oh damn.

I need to leave work & go home.

Back to bed, Fred.

Naked.

Warm.

Sleep.

TGIF!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday hmmmmmmmmm

There I was Saturday afternoon, chattin on the cellie with my bestie in the uni and as always she & I are ranting about the wrongs in our worlds.
Rewind to a few days prior where I feel a sabotage in my private life....... there is a (possibly?) unsuspecting victim.
Back to the chitchat....... So I tell Ms BFF how I purposely made a point to attack this "victim" with my razor sharp tongue & strike waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay below the belt. I was feeling sorta bad because I have not discovered if she is indeed an innocent pawn in this sick game or on Team Sabotage.? And as I have been struggling to regain the body I miss so much, how dare I make another woman feel bad about her size?!? So whether innocent or a snake, I still felt bad once I looked in her eyes & saw her embarrassment.
Brings me to the point .... if indeed I have one here?

I no more than say, "I always believed I was a nice person........(begin her laughing spasm)  and that was beyond mean. Why the hell are you laughing?!?" 
Once my beautiful BFF is able to breath again she informs me I am not, nor have I ever been, nice.
A bit shocked, I attempt several arguments ...... all to no avail. Her lecture than began......... I wont go into all the details of my amazing persona ;) but it was all good things! From beauty to Motherhood to friendship. And then the whammy.......

I am just mean when it comes to other women, injustices to children, and liars.


point 2 & 3....... yep, I gave em to her without blinking.

And so I had to ask what she meant about the other women point?
All the said was take inventory of your REAL friends.

She got me.
Only 2 chicks in the mix.

Her whole point? I am only nice to what I trust.
I guess it makes sense.

Back to Me

I have decided I must be who I am, regardless of the future outcome. My happiness revolves around staying true to my nature. So it's back to Saturdays at the library and reading myself to sleep every night again :)
Along with some new releases, I had to grab a few old favorites. I think each day I will swipe a quote or two from my read and just blog it the same way I notate it in "Dear Beautiful" Ummm...... maybe.







"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment. If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now."


~Marcus Aurelius Antoninus ~

That which does not destroy me......

Very recently I was asked "What are you going through" .... At the time it was rather annoying, but lastnight it stopped me in my tracks when it was asked of me again by another individual. It made me take a step back and REALLY ask myself the question. The answer? Too damn much!
Normally I tend to keep the real me hidden and emotions internalized or just vent to "Dear Beautiful" (my diary). Maybe it is finally time for me to unleash all held within for so long and watch the pieces fall where they may. My biggest concern is whether I will have the energy to pick them all up and will I be doing it alone?
Ten years ago I made the decision to begin a serious effort on my book. The goal was to wait until I finished my doctorate before considering a publishing deadline. The shallow me really wanted the fancy lettering after my name on the cover. However, last week following a flow of creative energy that would not rest, I shared a few chapters with a good friend (a published Author) and his feedback lastnight was amazing!!!!
I have chosen what I had hoped would be an interesting presentation style and Marcus agrees. I will be packing up and taking what I have dubbed "Part 1" to NY during my fall break from school to meet with him and his agent. I am more than nervous & filled with trepidation. I have worked at such a relaxed pace for the past decade, adding chapters without hesitation, that it is nearly complete. What I am more concerned with is how exposed the IcePrincess with truly be once the entire story is told. I considered leaving select chapters untold, but it would not be genuine without the darkness included. Of course I was caught off guard when asked for a working title.... That made it more real than it had been. I am rarely rendered speechless, but I must admit I stuttered & stammered, "I'll get back to ya with that" ....
The writing........ easy. Naming of chapters......... simple. Giving the entire piece a name? Oh my ....